September is here, school is back in session, and we all know that the return of fall means plaid! These Carlos Santana Privilege pumps in red plaid are a beautiful way to add a classy 'schoolgirl' element to a classic black pencil skirt and white button down. I would add chunky pearls or a multi-chain necklace and a burgandy croc work tote for a perfectly polished look. Saturday, September 5, 2009
If the Shoe Fits, Buy It! Carlos Santana Privilege pumps
September is here, school is back in session, and we all know that the return of fall means plaid! These Carlos Santana Privilege pumps in red plaid are a beautiful way to add a classy 'schoolgirl' element to a classic black pencil skirt and white button down. I would add chunky pearls or a multi-chain necklace and a burgandy croc work tote for a perfectly polished look. 
Friday, September 4, 2009
Feed Me Now! Purple
An homage to my favorite purple foods:
Beets
Blackberries
Boysenberry jam
Eggplant
Figs
New potatoes
Plums
Shallots
Beets
Blackberries
Boysenberry jam
Eggplant
Figs
New potatoes
Plums
Shallots
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Throwback - Magic Eye posters
Screw you, Magic Eye!
I stared so hard at your beautifully twisted images that tears sprung to my eyes, and yet only once - ONE TIME - did I ever see your hidden gem of a polar bear walking across the ice.
Never did I see the lone wolf howling under the moon, nor did I experience the winsome dolphin frolicking in the surf. So many hours of my childhood were wasted on you. Sigh...
I stared so hard at your beautifully twisted images that tears sprung to my eyes, and yet only once - ONE TIME - did I ever see your hidden gem of a polar bear walking across the ice. Never did I see the lone wolf howling under the moon, nor did I experience the winsome dolphin frolicking in the surf. So many hours of my childhood were wasted on you. Sigh...
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
WTF? Winkers
Have you ever seen an attractive man in a bar and thought "If only my ass could wink at him, he would be mine..."?
Well, then these are the pants for you! Winkers (patent pending, of course) allow your rear end to be as expressive as your eyes - perfect for the rough and tumble dating world where you need any advantage you can get.
"In these pants, I am sure to get some action!"
Well, then these are the pants for you! Winkers (patent pending, of course) allow your rear end to be as expressive as your eyes - perfect for the rough and tumble dating world where you need any advantage you can get.
Obviously designed in an unbounded fit of genius, these pants utilize the crease of your buttocks (known as the under-butt in my circle) to saucily wink as you walk - mesmerizing possible suitors as you pass, leaving them wondering how they could ever score such a glorious woman such as yourself.
"Who, who, who is that lovely lady?"
"In these pants, I am sure to get some action!"
*A very special thank you to my fabulous L.A. area field reporter for this tip, as well as for Mr. Peepers.
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Monday, August 31, 2009
Top 10 Home Remedies (from Hell)
I have conducted some research on the Interwebs to find the most bizarre home remedies recommended by housewives hither and yon, which I have compiled into the outrageously useful list found below:
Top 10 Creepiest Home Remedies:
10. Freckles - Rub your face with any of the following to rid yourself of freckles: onions, lemons, parsley juice, cucumbers, yellow mustard, honey, sour cream, or sesame seeds.
*Basically, go to the Hometown Buffet and run your face along the salad bar. Watch out for the sneeze guard.
9. Jock Itch - Change undergarments daily.
*Really? You have to tell someone that? Really? Really? Does that honestly even qualify as a home remedy?
8. Earache - Pour some garlic juice in the paining ear; put two drops of basil leaves’ juice in the aching ear.
*Just add some tomatoes and endless breadsticks for an old Olive Garden favorite.
7. Insomnia - Drink lettuce juice... boil one tablespoon of lettuce seeds in water, then drink up.
*Yes, lettuce is so boring that it actually puts people to sleep. I have been trying to explain that for years.
6. Anorexia - Knead the juice of sour grapes into flour before preparing a wheat tortilla, which should then be eaten continuously for two to three weeks.
*Are they confused? Is this intended to reduce anorexia, or encourage it?
5. Alcoholism - Restrict the alcoholic's diet to only grapes for about a month. The ideal process is to take three meals a day of fresh grapes every five hours. To make this treatment successful, the alcoholic should develop strong will power to stop drinking.
*Seriously? The alcoholic should develop willpower to stop drinking? I never would have thought of that. Obviously, such willpower is available only through consuming a sickening amount of grapes.
4. Throat Obstruction - If you have a bone stuck in your throat, try breaking an egg and swallowing it whole. Then try swallowing a lump of boiled rice. Finally, try gargling with vinegar to soften the bone slowly.
*Have these people never heard of the Heimlich maneuver? I think that would be a better option than waiting for my rice cooker to get down to business.
3. Hysteria - Make a macerated fresh pulp of bottle gourd, and apply it all over the person's head.
*I wouldn't be hysterical at all if someone held me down to rub squash paste all over my head. Nope. Not even a little bit.
2. Genital Warts - Make a juice from onion slices covered overnight with salt; apply it on the affected area until the warts disappear. Alternatively, apply milky juice of figs’ stem two to three times a day.
*Hmm... have a hot date coming up? Don't want her to see your genital warts? Simply spritz your junk repeatedly with onion water or fig milk... because that won't repel her at all.
1. Yeast Infection - Dip a tampon in yogurt and insert it.
*Possibly the worst, most terrifying home remedy I have ever heard. I assume they mean plain yogurt, not the fruit-on-the-bottom kind or Jamie Lee Curtis's bowel-friendly yogurt.
*I have no idea whether these remedies work, but certainly hope they do for the sake of all women wearing Yoplait on their nether regions.
Top 10 Creepiest Home Remedies:
10. Freckles - Rub your face with any of the following to rid yourself of freckles: onions, lemons, parsley juice, cucumbers, yellow mustard, honey, sour cream, or sesame seeds.
*Basically, go to the Hometown Buffet and run your face along the salad bar. Watch out for the sneeze guard.
9. Jock Itch - Change undergarments daily.
*Really? You have to tell someone that? Really? Really? Does that honestly even qualify as a home remedy?
8. Earache - Pour some garlic juice in the paining ear; put two drops of basil leaves’ juice in the aching ear.
*Just add some tomatoes and endless breadsticks for an old Olive Garden favorite.
7. Insomnia - Drink lettuce juice... boil one tablespoon of lettuce seeds in water, then drink up.
*Yes, lettuce is so boring that it actually puts people to sleep. I have been trying to explain that for years.
6. Anorexia - Knead the juice of sour grapes into flour before preparing a wheat tortilla, which should then be eaten continuously for two to three weeks.
*Are they confused? Is this intended to reduce anorexia, or encourage it?
5. Alcoholism - Restrict the alcoholic's diet to only grapes for about a month. The ideal process is to take three meals a day of fresh grapes every five hours. To make this treatment successful, the alcoholic should develop strong will power to stop drinking.
*Seriously? The alcoholic should develop willpower to stop drinking? I never would have thought of that. Obviously, such willpower is available only through consuming a sickening amount of grapes.
4. Throat Obstruction - If you have a bone stuck in your throat, try breaking an egg and swallowing it whole. Then try swallowing a lump of boiled rice. Finally, try gargling with vinegar to soften the bone slowly.
*Have these people never heard of the Heimlich maneuver? I think that would be a better option than waiting for my rice cooker to get down to business.
3. Hysteria - Make a macerated fresh pulp of bottle gourd, and apply it all over the person's head.
*I wouldn't be hysterical at all if someone held me down to rub squash paste all over my head. Nope. Not even a little bit.
2. Genital Warts - Make a juice from onion slices covered overnight with salt; apply it on the affected area until the warts disappear. Alternatively, apply milky juice of figs’ stem two to three times a day.
*Hmm... have a hot date coming up? Don't want her to see your genital warts? Simply spritz your junk repeatedly with onion water or fig milk... because that won't repel her at all.
1. Yeast Infection - Dip a tampon in yogurt and insert it.
*Possibly the worst, most terrifying home remedy I have ever heard. I assume they mean plain yogurt, not the fruit-on-the-bottom kind or Jamie Lee Curtis's bowel-friendly yogurt.
*I have no idea whether these remedies work, but certainly hope they do for the sake of all women wearing Yoplait on their nether regions.
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Retail Therapy - Brass knuckles
Brass knuckle products are all over these days - they are a pretty neat combination of practicality with a little subversive edge.
Brass knuckles coffee cup - just what you might need for those rough Monday mornings in the office.
Brass knuckles wine opener - because liquor and brass knuckles go together like mullets and the county jail...
Brass knuckles soap - also useful for trips to the county jail... even easier to hold onto than soap on a rope.
Brass knuckles umbrella - for those rainy days when you just need to punch and shelter someone simultaneously.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
