Pen(itentiary) Pals

Really, everyone loves a pen pal... especially one who lives in the pen!  Who better to develop a long-lasting relationship with than a convicted prisoner with limited access to the outside world? 

There are numerous websites where you can locate your own special pal... like eHarmony for the incarcerated.  I have taken the liberty of perusing them on your behalf, my friend, to identify only the most glorious of potential life-long comrades.

Please note that this post will be published sans photos or other specific forms of identification, for I am a huge fan of remaining alive. However, all glorious tidbits below are pulled directly from various prison pen pal profiles. 

My top 5 suggested pen pals:

Inmate #1. Receiving the earnings of prostitution.  Inmate #1 is an all-around class act.

His pen pal profile includes a very snazzy pictoral slide show, featuring a photo of the inmate with his (and I quote) "Burberry Print Cutlass."  Inmate #1 is also proud to boast that he is fashion-forward and always matches from head to toe... though I contend that he doesn't give sufficient credit to his orange jumpsuit for this feat.

Inmate #2. Robbery.  Inmate #2 is apparently some type of magical unicorn, judging from her pen pal profile:

With the universe in my body I gently rock our precious world, bearing gifts of tranquility, harmony and peace for all, in my wake I bring an abundance of beautiful flowers, creatures great and small to fill the idyllic country side, the dove of peace and the rainbow of hope are my constant companions on my flight of creation.

Um, who doesn't want to befriend a magical unicorn? Break out the stationery already!

Inmate #3. Second degree murder. Inmate #3 is a gambling man, if you will. He even has a little gamble for you:

Are you up for a challenge...? Well let's go to the gambling shack and play a little poker...The game is called card stud and there's a possibility that we can both win!!!

Here we're seated at a cherry wooden table in matching plushed chairs for comfort...We've been dealt 5 cards each that resemble who we are in one word...we have the option to keep or throw in the cards that doesn't resemble who we are in character...the ones we throw in will be dealt back to us as replacements...remember, you get back what you put in...

Personally, I've decide to hold because I'm content with what I have to bring to the table...Now I'm going to reveal my hand to you without having to throw one card in...

1st) Genuine. 2nd) Patient. 3rd) Supportive. 4th) Understanding. 5th) Consistent.

What I am is a royal flush, which can't be beat but can be matched...The stakes are unlimited high!!! Question is, Are you willing to put up all that you're worth or simply fold..

Inmate #4. Attempted murder.  Inmate #4 is a jokester!  He offers the following wit and wisdom to his potential pen pals:

What is the only bird that has no wings? A Jailbird! One letter from you though and I'd be flying high.

There is nothing like a little light prison humor to add some pizzazz to a boring Monday, right?

Inmate #5. Simple arson / possession of marijuana.  Inmate #5, a future poet laureate and lover of the feminine persona, included the following word art in his profile:

A Poem for the ladies:

Oh sweet lady where in this world have you been. My mothers, sisters, wives, and long time friends. Queens to Kings and earth to God to love and cherish something so beautiful, woman as your man it's my job. Oh sweet lady come home and take your place in my heart. From start to finish and beginning to end I vow to love you forever, my mothers, sisters, wives, and long time friends. You bear my children sometimes without my name, in and out wedlock, but you still love me the same. When I'm down and out and felling pain your presence soothes the soul and keeps me sane. Woman without you there is no me. woman even though at times you're mistreated in this troubled world you're always needed. to all my mothers, sisters, and wives. Stand strong with men and help us make it through these harsh times.

"You bear my children sometimes without my name, in and out of wedlock, but you still love me the same." Truer words have never been spoken, Inmate #5.


*This post is dedicated to the hottest Scottish prison yard pen pals of 2009: Tiffany, Amber and Megan.